Bed Rest, Bed Thoughts…

• Just a heads up: This is a rant. This is not like my normal blog posts. It isn’t meant to be. This is a stream of thought. I believe we all have a right to these. I appreciate that this type of platform exists. I appreciate my vulnerability and your eyes and thoughts. You are loved dear ones. Thank you for letting me share…. @curvy_capone

I couldn’t breathe when I woke up in the middle of the night. It felt that way. That wasn’t the case of course I was breathing. They were short, and shallow. I could catch my breathe. I couldn’t really swallow either. I found myself frantically looking for ibuprofen to just get the swelling down and to go back to sleep; to just try to get some kind of sleep. Of course I couldn’t wait anymore; 6am hit me and I knew something was wrong. I threw on what I could and called an uber to take me to the ER about 8 blocks away from me. (Perks of living where I do in Manhattan. New York Presbyterian is right there and ranked well in the country.) I walked in and barely able to speak gave the front desk my information. They acted quickly and I was called in immediately. I saw the doctor immediately and was given oxygen and an IV hooked up to a steroid to make sure that they could stop the swelling in my throat. I was alone. Yet surrounded by strangers all there for some reason. The nicest nurse named Sam took care of me. He was understaffed but doing all that he could to make sure I was comfortable. He assured me that it would be okay and that they were going to do tests and call in an ENT to for a scope of my throat. I won’t lie, I was scared even though I knew I would be okay. The man who came in after me and was in the room next to me had two seizures while I was there. It was heartbreaking, scary to hear and I sat there praying he had a family; anyone to know he was okay. This had me thinking. I don’t think people understand how lonely this city can be. Even surrounded by thousands of people on a regular basis. I don’t think people know some of the heartache people have been through here. Other than some of my closest friends and family most have no idea that I was supposed to be married. I was cheated on and kicked out of an apartment I built with my ex. He cheated on me with multiple women and I was homeless for several months, all while working toward my goals as a model and actress. I still remember walking into our apartment and seeing her dirty pink flip flops in the living room next to the sneaker I bought him that Christmas. I remember my heart sinking into the ground; knowing that another woman was in the bed we shared. I know I also made mistakes, cheated on him myself, after the first time he cheated. I did it out of spite and hurt. Maybe some kind of revenge, I remember slapping him. Probably the lowest moment for myself. I felt like. monster. I still regret that and not telling him right away about what I did. 3 years ago I was almost killed in a bus crash. I suffered internal bleeding and had to go into surgery immediately. I woke up pinned under a bus seat and had no feeling in my legs. I thought I was paralyzed.

I have learned about heartache, about triumph about what love really is and isn’t. I have been blessed to be raised by incredibly strong parents who have been happily together for almost 30 years. I have a sister who is the kindest, most creative and talented human whom Ive ever had the privilege of being related to and another sister who is a brilliant teacher who created two beautiful nephews that I love dearly. I have a best friend who is the sunshine of the world who has endured pain I don’t wish upon any human being but continues to fight for this beautiful world and the people in it. My other best friend who truly is the light that I wish to see in the world everyday. His talent, kindness and hope are unmatched. He held me that day that I got the call two days after I got the ring. The call where he told me it was over. He had helped pick out the ring and was there to see my world come crashing down. We both cried that day. They also both went through that crash with me; those best friends…

I have people who have touched my life in such a beautiful way and there are too many to even count. If I could I would sit here all night and write about each and every one of them. Ive learned that we all have trauma and that it is even scarier than being in a hospital room to share that with someone else. I have learned that even when we feel alone. We aren’t. Not even close. We are all tied to something. Humanity.

I want to live from a place of love. As I am stuck here on bed rest for the next few days, feeling a little trapped in my space I realize that I’ve been given the gift of time. My body told me to STOP and to really just stop. I am reflecting now and my whole purpose of writing this is to share my experience. I think its very important to do that. I think that even my rambling can connect with someone out there. I want you to know you are’t alone. We are all created out of the universe and the universe believes in love. We have our trauma but be kind dear ones. You don’t know what someone else has been through. Also stop and listen to yourself especially your body. When you feel tired IT IS OKAY TO STOP. You are not failing by stopping and breathing even for a few minutes. In a world run by money, social status and corporations it is so important to realize that we are humans. Hug the people you love. If you ever get a chance to hug the people you have hurt or have hurt you I encourage you do that too. There are days that I wish for just one more hug from those I’ve lost. You don’t have to bring them back into your life. I believe in boundaries, safety and growing forward but even if its a virtual hug; let yourself heal. Let yourself be vulnerable and feel because you never know; you may wake up one day and not be able to breathe. Stay safe my friends. Believe in love again…